I Am An Idiot

I am an idiot.
No seriously, I am. And I'm not afraid to admit it!

I may have an IQ of 153, which definitely doesn't make me your average blonde... But I still am an idiot when it comes to love.

Most of you know I have my clumsy moments... Remember that time I fell down the stairs at Club Sinners in Amsterdam?! Hmmm...yea. Not one of my most flattering moments...

Or how about that time I fell into the Amstel River, fully clothed? Yup. Not one I'm proud of either.
But hey, what can I say? Stick around Vicstar, and at least there's never a dull moment.

But when my TRUE IDIOCY shines through most, is when I like somebody.

...sigh...

I don't know if any of you recognize this but... I have this annoying habit to over-analyse shit. And when I say 'over-analyse', I really mean; over-over-overanalyse...

Is that a girl-thing? Cuz I can't imagine guys spending about 15 minutes before they decide to do a simple thing like send a text message...

Here's an example... Sometimes when I really really really like somebody... I spent a few good hours (and I'm not even exagerating) debating if I should give him a call...
I'm really not one to chase a guy... Any guy. Not even a perfect guy.
So I'd rather just wait for his call... But what if the waiting is getting to you... Tearing you up inside... And all you really want, is some peace of mind... Hear his voice and feel better.

But what if you call, and he doesn't answer his phone? You'll feel worse than you do now... Or what if he's engaged in other business (read; other women), you really wanna spare yourself that heartache...
So I say; go with a text message.

And as simple as that sounds... It really isn't!
Sending the PERFECT textmessage is an art, I tell ya.
Get yourself a pen and paper, and take notes, ladies!

Let me tell you what I do:
First, it's important to decide on the appropriate time at which you want to send the message. It can't be too early, cuz you don't want to wake him up, or risk him still being asleep and not being totally awake when reading whatever important stuff you have to say.
I also have a little rule -which absolutely makes no sense at all, let me tell you that upfront- when I call people (and when I say 'people' of course I mean 'guys'), to never call them at the exact hour, or at half an hour. So you would never get a call from me at exactly 8pm or 8.30pm. I always make it 8.07pm or 8.13pm or something...
Cuz otherwise it might seem like I've been anxiously waiting till exactly 8 to give him the call... Which of course seems like I've been working up the nerves to get to this exact moment... (Like I said; this rule makes absolutely no sense at all; what moron would even pay attention to the time of the call? But just work with me here...)

Of course it can't be too late either... Cuz you don't wanna disturb him during dinner (we all know how men love their food), or his favorite TV show (big mistake), or an exciting game (even bigger mistake)... He'd probably get REAL annoyed and not reply at all.

I'm telling you, this shit is important! Pay attention now!

So once we established the timeframe... we get to the hard part...
How do you exactly phrase what you want to say?
You want to be kinda funny, or rather 'appear breezy', so whatever you have to say doesn't really sound too 'heavy'... But then again, it can't be too funny, cuz then he might think you're just joking around, and he at least needs to know you take him serious... But then again not too serious, cuz you're not asking him to marry you right there and then either.
However, you need to get that message across loud and clear.

See how complicated this shit is???

Then another thing is; what is your goal? Do you just say what you wanna say, period? Or do you phrase it into a question, so he kinda has to reply?

Of course we like a reply!
Let's face it; we're women, and we all like attention. So a reply is definitely something we shoot for...

What bothers me, personally, is that I can never get all my text in one lousy message... Never enough space! So then you have the option to use chat-lingo, which I'm sorry to say but I'm too damn old for...
Plus you'll risk that he won't be able to figure that shit out either, or doesn't even wanna take the time to try... So scratch that.
Another option is; to send two messages... But ehm... we don't wanna look like a freakin stalker either! (He probably already has plenty of those, and we want to be special, right?) So scratch that too.

So it's very important to figure out what exact message you really wanna get across, and then cramp all that into however characters your phone allows you to use for a message.

When you're finally happy with the message, read it again, make sure there are no spelling errors, count to ten, breathe in - breathe out, and click on 'send'.

...and now... we wait...

And then the real over-analysing begins when he doesn't send you a reply... Oh my Goooood...

"What does this mean???

I just spent over half an hour fabricating the PERFECT text message, and mister wonderful on the other side doesn't even have the decency to send me a reply!"



Ok hold up, Vicstar!!!

Let me slap some sense into myself here...

At least give the motherf*cker a minute to type in a reply! He might need to analyse his shit too.

YEAH RIGHT!!!

Guys don't think about stuff like this! They type in whatever first pops into their heads, forget about spell checking the damn thing, and just click on 'send'...
And that's what we over-analysing women have to deal with...

...beep beep... ...beep beep...

"Finally! A reply!!! Damn why does this phone take so long to open up a damn text message... C'mon c'mon... F*ckin Sh*t NOKIA! I need to see what he said!!!"

And then you read it...

Read it again...

Read it one more time...

And think to yourself:

"What the hell does this mean? What the hell is a '.....'?! Is that a typo or did he just cuss at me?! WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?"


So basically... all of us over-analysing women -especially the ones that are crushing-... we're screwed. That's what it all comes down to. Cuz we can never, and I repeat; NEVER, make sense of anything he's trying to say...

Probably, cuz dude is not even 'trying' to say anything. Remember, he is a man.
He just sent us one of his over-simplified brain farts and that's what we gotta work with...

Like I said; we're screwed.

So ehm... I rest my case.

My mind works in mysterious ways. In too many mysterious ways, too... Over-over-over-analysing shit ALL THE DAMN TIME... No wonder I'm so tired at night.

Yep... It's official... I am an idiot.

But you gotta love me though... If anything, just at least for all the time I put into all that unappreciated bullshit!


Vicky

This blog was previously written and although I am sill an idiot, there's nobody special in my life right now.

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