Diagnosis Labyrinthitis

I can't focus...
I can't see straight...
Please... wait.
Give me a minute to concentrate...
I'm trying hard to focus but
I can't.
Am I still asleep?
Still dreaming of being on a ship
Out on the sea
Where the waves are taking me?
What the hell is going on?
My head is spinning...
Or is it the room that I'm in?
I'm going up...
I'm going down...
Is that me or
is the world just moving round and round?
I'm trying to walk
and avoid the walls...
But these walls seem to be...
...attacking me?!
I didn't drink last night did I?
Then why do I feel so... drunk?
Why do I feel like I'm about to throw up?
Why do I feel like a pinball stuck
in the pinball machine that is my home?
I sit back down and try to close my eyes
Maybe if I sit down for a while...
But I'm still on this constant motherf#cking rollercoaster ride
And I REALLY don't like the way this feels inside

A month later and nothing has changed.
Extreme Dizziness
Constant Headaches
Nausea and Sick to my stomach
Wobbly when walking,
So forget about driving or exercising
Mad, Sad and alone

Yeah... that about sums it up.
That's me.


I Am Not Perfect

I can't unscrew a lid when it's screwed on too tight
And I suck at basketball cuz I can't jump that high
I can't hang up my mirror, I don't know how to drill
And sometimes I'm late paying bills

I can't watch reality TV without having to cry
And I never cooked soulfood, but I'm willing to try
I don't have the energy to run very far
And how in the world do I change the oil in my car?

I lack the discipline to go to the gym
And I can't stick to a diet so I'll never be thin
I hardly ever get to my work on time
And sometimes I don't know how to rhyme (well... luckily today is not one of those days...)

I can't reach for things on the top shelf in the store
And once I start on potato chips I can't stop anymore
Sometimes I'm so hyper that I just can't unwind
And I can't always make up my mind

I may come across confident but I always have doubts
And those big azz spiders on my balcony FREAK ME OUT

The only thing I'm good at, is at being me
But I am not perfect and I don't try to be

There are a million things that I just cannot do...
But I'm sure -if you'd let me-
that I could really love you.

Your Scent

Out of nowhere
I smell it
I smell you
All around me
And I can't escape it

Taking me back 10 years in time
Back to your lies
Back to my pain
Back to the tears
And I can't escape it

The scent I used to crave
The scent I used to love
Now makes me sick
I don't even wanna smell it
But I can't escape it

Out of all the colognes in the world
Why did this man that I don't even know
Have to pick yours to wear today
And this seat right next to me to sit on
So I can't escape it

I want to slap this stranger
For making me remember
For making me feel bad
And for smelling this goooood
But it's no use
Cuz I won't escape it

You suck!
And you stink!
I hate you!!!

...no I don't...

If I did, I wouldn't smell it
I wouldn't remember
And I wouldn't be writing this

I'm glad I'm over you
God, I'm SO over you
But no matter how hard I try
I'll never escape you

Dear Michael

Dear Michael,

It's been 2 days since you left us... And I haven't been able to stop thinking about you and how you touched my life. I can't really explain why I'm this sad over somebody that I didn't even know personally, even though we met once...

It was over 10 years ago, but I'll never forget it. I was shopping in Amsterdam and while I was walking towards the Virgin Record Store at the Magna Plaza mall I saw a limo parked outside. I didn't pay too much attention to it, and just went inside to get whatever I was looking for.
I was so shocked when I saw you standing only one isle away from me, checking out Laurel & Hardy videotapes. There weren't that many people around you at all, so I got really close to you. I don't think I even realized back then that I was within a few feet of the most famous person in the whole world. The King of Pop. A true Legend. Not to mention a wonderful, kind and inspirational man.
One of your bodyguards gestured me to move back a little. I'll never forget what he said: "Michael likes his space." I smiled and told him that I did too, but moved away anyway.
And that's when you looked up and smiled at me. A smile that I will never forget.

Losing you felt like losing a big part of my youth. Your songs are the background music to all of my best memories... And it kind of feels like a bulk of wonderful memories got ripped out of my heart when you passed. It hurts like hell.

My brother was also a big fan of yours, and he would play your songs over and over and over again. I remember dancing and singing to the Off The Wall record together, even though I was too small to really know what I was singing about, and probably got all the words wrong since I didn't speak any English yet. My brother would have the white socks and the black shoes and one glove, and he knew ALL your moves. I was so impressed...
He (his name is also Michael by the way) moved to Australia 6 years ago and I miss him terribly. Hearing your songs again and thinking about these days, makes me miss the happiness that we shared together even more. It made me realize once again that those days and my youth are forever gone... I just can't believe that you are too.

I didn't want to believe the news when they reported of your passing. I just couldn't. And wouldn't! I never thought that someone like you would leave us. You should be immortal. Seriously. It's just not fair!

Today I spent a good 4 hours watching music videos and interviews of you, just to "Remember The Time"... I was crying through most of it. I shocked myself about how I know all the lyrics to all your songs! But then again, I do have all your albums in my collection. Even the ones you recorded when you were just a little boy, making music with your brothers. I get so sad when I think of what your family must be going through right now. Especially your kids and of course Janet, who was the closest to you of your siblings... She must be heartbroken. I'm so sorry for her...

I don't have to tell you how big of an inspiration you've been to all the artists out there today. Your music, your moves, and even the way you dressed have changed the world forever. And we will always love you for it!
Not only were you an innovator in the entertainment business, the best selling artist of all times, but you were also a kind hearted man, that donated over 300 million dollars to charity. Something that people seem to forget sometimes.
You had that eternal youth inside of you that made you so adorable and special to fans of all ages. It is no wonder the whole world is in mourning of your loss.

I will miss you so much, Michael, but I am proud to have been able to grow up with you... And I can't thank you enough for sharing your amazing talent with us... And for everything you mean to me! I'm so happy to be a Michael Jackson era baby! You were a blessing from the sky, a God's Gift! And now you're up in heaven, joined by the other great musicians of our time... Pac, Biggie, Aaliyah, Luther... the list goes on...

I "Never Can Say Goodbye", so I won't. Just trust that;
Your music will never leave the airwaves...
Your smile will never leave my memory...
And you will never leave my heart!

Rest in peace, Mike. You finally got your space.


Time For A Change

Hey guys,

I've decided I'm gonna give my website another MAKEOVER. This BLOGSPOT thing is not working for me. I need more glam, sorry.

So... Hang in there, I'll be back.

Better than ever!



Maybe Tomorrow

When I lay in my bed at night
Trying to get some sleep
I find myself thinking about you
Wondering how you're doing
And what's going on in your life
(and why I'm not in it anymore)

I get a little melancholic
Cuz I miss you
I still miss you

I grab my cell phone from the nightstand
And navigate to the textmessage folder with your name on it

I saved all the messages you ever sent me
I don't know why
I do know why
Cuz reading them makes me feel real good

And every time I scroll through these messages
I read them one by one
And I remember the exact same feeling
That each and every one of those messages gave me
The moment I opened them for the very first time

I smile
For a minute
Untill I realize those days are gone
You are gone
And there are no new messages in this folder

And every day I tell the world I'm over you
Cuz I convinced myself I'm over you
But am I?

Those message are still there
And they are so much more than just a bunch of letters on a display,
A way you made me feel,
Or a smile that faded

And the memories of you are still there too
And you are so much more than a ghost of the past,
A page in my history book,
Or a ship that sailed

You are still there
Even when I close the folder and switch off my phone
You are still there
Even when I close my eyes and try once again to get some sleep

Maybe I'll be over you tomorrow

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.
Please note; this is an oldie but goodie. I'm SO over him now. :-)

You Got My Number

One day you need me
The next day you don't
One day you'll want me
The next day you won't

I feel hopeful and hopeless
useless and used
My mind is messed up
And my heart is confused

You push me away
Then you pull me back in
It's like I can't lose
But I can't seem to win

In this court of feelings
I pass you the ball
When you made your mind up
Then give me a call

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.

I Am An Idiot

I am an idiot.
No seriously, I am. And I'm not afraid to admit it!

I may have an IQ of 153, which definitely doesn't make me your average blonde... But I still am an idiot when it comes to love.

Most of you know I have my clumsy moments... Remember that time I fell down the stairs at Club Sinners in Amsterdam?! Hmmm...yea. Not one of my most flattering moments...

Or how about that time I fell into the Amstel River, fully clothed? Yup. Not one I'm proud of either.
But hey, what can I say? Stick around Vicstar, and at least there's never a dull moment.

But when my TRUE IDIOCY shines through most, is when I like somebody.


I don't know if any of you recognize this but... I have this annoying habit to over-analyse shit. And when I say 'over-analyse', I really mean; over-over-overanalyse...

Is that a girl-thing? Cuz I can't imagine guys spending about 15 minutes before they decide to do a simple thing like send a text message...

Here's an example... Sometimes when I really really really like somebody... I spent a few good hours (and I'm not even exagerating) debating if I should give him a call...
I'm really not one to chase a guy... Any guy. Not even a perfect guy.
So I'd rather just wait for his call... But what if the waiting is getting to you... Tearing you up inside... And all you really want, is some peace of mind... Hear his voice and feel better.

But what if you call, and he doesn't answer his phone? You'll feel worse than you do now... Or what if he's engaged in other business (read; other women), you really wanna spare yourself that heartache...
So I say; go with a text message.

And as simple as that sounds... It really isn't!
Sending the PERFECT textmessage is an art, I tell ya.
Get yourself a pen and paper, and take notes, ladies!

Let me tell you what I do:
First, it's important to decide on the appropriate time at which you want to send the message. It can't be too early, cuz you don't want to wake him up, or risk him still being asleep and not being totally awake when reading whatever important stuff you have to say.
I also have a little rule -which absolutely makes no sense at all, let me tell you that upfront- when I call people (and when I say 'people' of course I mean 'guys'), to never call them at the exact hour, or at half an hour. So you would never get a call from me at exactly 8pm or 8.30pm. I always make it 8.07pm or 8.13pm or something...
Cuz otherwise it might seem like I've been anxiously waiting till exactly 8 to give him the call... Which of course seems like I've been working up the nerves to get to this exact moment... (Like I said; this rule makes absolutely no sense at all; what moron would even pay attention to the time of the call? But just work with me here...)

Of course it can't be too late either... Cuz you don't wanna disturb him during dinner (we all know how men love their food), or his favorite TV show (big mistake), or an exciting game (even bigger mistake)... He'd probably get REAL annoyed and not reply at all.

I'm telling you, this shit is important! Pay attention now!

So once we established the timeframe... we get to the hard part...
How do you exactly phrase what you want to say?
You want to be kinda funny, or rather 'appear breezy', so whatever you have to say doesn't really sound too 'heavy'... But then again, it can't be too funny, cuz then he might think you're just joking around, and he at least needs to know you take him serious... But then again not too serious, cuz you're not asking him to marry you right there and then either.
However, you need to get that message across loud and clear.

See how complicated this shit is???

Then another thing is; what is your goal? Do you just say what you wanna say, period? Or do you phrase it into a question, so he kinda has to reply?

Of course we like a reply!
Let's face it; we're women, and we all like attention. So a reply is definitely something we shoot for...

What bothers me, personally, is that I can never get all my text in one lousy message... Never enough space! So then you have the option to use chat-lingo, which I'm sorry to say but I'm too damn old for...
Plus you'll risk that he won't be able to figure that shit out either, or doesn't even wanna take the time to try... So scratch that.
Another option is; to send two messages... But ehm... we don't wanna look like a freakin stalker either! (He probably already has plenty of those, and we want to be special, right?) So scratch that too.

So it's very important to figure out what exact message you really wanna get across, and then cramp all that into however characters your phone allows you to use for a message.

When you're finally happy with the message, read it again, make sure there are no spelling errors, count to ten, breathe in - breathe out, and click on 'send'.

...and now... we wait...

And then the real over-analysing begins when he doesn't send you a reply... Oh my Goooood...

"What does this mean???

I just spent over half an hour fabricating the PERFECT text message, and mister wonderful on the other side doesn't even have the decency to send me a reply!"

Ok hold up, Vicstar!!!

Let me slap some sense into myself here...

At least give the motherf*cker a minute to type in a reply! He might need to analyse his shit too.


Guys don't think about stuff like this! They type in whatever first pops into their heads, forget about spell checking the damn thing, and just click on 'send'...
And that's what we over-analysing women have to deal with...

...beep beep... ...beep beep...

"Finally! A reply!!! Damn why does this phone take so long to open up a damn text message... C'mon c'mon... F*ckin Sh*t NOKIA! I need to see what he said!!!"

And then you read it...

Read it again...

Read it one more time...

And think to yourself:

"What the hell does this mean? What the hell is a '.....'?! Is that a typo or did he just cuss at me?! WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?"

So basically... all of us over-analysing women -especially the ones that are crushing-... we're screwed. That's what it all comes down to. Cuz we can never, and I repeat; NEVER, make sense of anything he's trying to say...

Probably, cuz dude is not even 'trying' to say anything. Remember, he is a man.
He just sent us one of his over-simplified brain farts and that's what we gotta work with...

Like I said; we're screwed.

So ehm... I rest my case.

My mind works in mysterious ways. In too many mysterious ways, too... Over-over-over-analysing shit ALL THE DAMN TIME... No wonder I'm so tired at night.

Yep... It's official... I am an idiot.

But you gotta love me though... If anything, just at least for all the time I put into all that unappreciated bullshit!


This blog was previously written and although I am sill an idiot, there's nobody special in my life right now.

Dreadlock Dreaming

I wonder what they'll smell like
When we're engaged in our first embrace
I wonder how you will wear them
Complimenting your beautiful face

I wonder how they'll glide through my fingers
When I play with them in my hands
I wonder if I braided my hair
If yours and mine would be friends

I wonder if people wanna touch them
Like I wanna do every day
And I wonder if, when you're eating
They ever get in the way

I wonder if you've had bad hair days
Those days when they just look all wrong
And I wonder if they sometimes annoy you
When you're out in the sun for too long

I wonder why you ever got them
As a statement or just for fun
And I wonder how they bounce off your shoulders
Whenever you jump, kick, tackle, or run

I wonder how they'd look in a ponytail
Or if you wear them up in a bun
I wonder if they ever get frizzy
And how often you get them redone

I wonder if you'd let me change them
Maybe braid them or create a new style
I wonder when was the last time you cut them
And if you'll let them grow for a while

I wonder if I will get tangled up in them
When we're playing a little rough
But most of all I wonder how they will sway to the rhythm
Of you and me making sweet love

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.
If you haven't read it yet, check out My Tom Hanks Moment (part 1 and 2) for the story behind this poem.

A year after My Tom Hanks Moment...

So... I had been kicking myself for a few weeks about not talking to Mr. Soccer when I had the chance... At one point I even got his brother's phone number, but I felt stupid to call. What could I possibly say without making a fool of myself?
"Hi, you don't know me, but I have a question for you. What if YOU were on a plane and met Halle Berry; the woman of your dreams. You had eye contact with her for about 3 hours and she was definitely checking you out too... But all this time you were afraid to approach her.
Now, a few weeks later, somebody gives you Halle's sister's phone number. Would you call her?"
And if he would say that he would, I'd tell him MY story about his brother.

But I didn't do it. I decided to let it go... And learn my lesson for the future. Cuz THAT will never happen to me again. No way!

A year passed and Mr. Soccer would still pop into my mind from time to time... I'd still get that butterfly feeling everytime he was on the news, but what can you do, right?

Until, all of a sudden I "found" (ok, I searched for) him on a Dutch website, much like MySpace. "No way! NO WAY!!!" I jumped for joy. My fairytale could still come true! But how would I approach him now, a year later? I'm sure by now he would have forgotten all about that blond girl he met on a plane in Spain a year ago. As a professional soccer player, wouldn't he be on a plane every week? How many blond girls is that in a year?!

But I decided this was the one chance I would not pass up. So I sent him the story I wrote about meeting him; "My Tom Hanks Moment". The same one you previously read, posted below this one. I thought that entailed everything I wanted to tell him, in it's purest form.

My heart was racing as I hit "Sent", but just a few minutes later he responded to me! He said he loved the story and asked if I ever thought about becoming a writer. And get this: He also said that he remembered me!!!

Of course, I didn't buy that. But it was nice of him to say, wasn't it?

We sent a few emails back and forth and he asked me for my phone number. He was still playing soccer abroad and wanted to call me to "see what I was all about"... I was SOOO ecstatic! Finally, a year later, I had reached my goal! My dream was coming true after all! I couldn't believe it.

Not even 5 minutes after I sent the email with my phone number HE CALLED!
I didn't expect his phone call THAT soon! Which was a good thing, cuz now I didn't even have time to get nervous...
But it turned out there really was no need for nerves; we had a very relaxed conversation for about an hour...

And to my surprise, he really DID remember me! He even remembered what my aunt and uncle (whom he thought were my parents) looked like and what I was wearing on the plane that day. CRAZYYY!!!

After that first initial phone call he called me every night. Long distance! And we sometimes talked for 6 hours straight! It was weird, but fun, but weird, ...but fun!!!

After a few weeks of daily phone conversations, he was scheduled to fly back to Amsterdam. He had bought a mansion (dude is loaded) in the city, but it wasn't quite done yet, so he asked me if it was ok to stay with me for a few days... I felt like we had become really good friends over the phone, and of course we had that whole history on the plane a year ago... So I didn't see the problem and told him it was ok.

(I wrote a poem "Dreadlock Dreaming" about him, which I will post tomorrow...)

I still remember exactly how I felt that day at the airport waiting for him. I don't think I've ever been more nervous in my life! My stomach was going crazy and I had trouble breathing at times.

There I was again, at an airport waiting for this gorgeous, gorgeous man to approach me, like he did that first time we 'met' on the airport in Spain.

And there he was. Even more gorgeous than I remembered. He was smiling again, the same smile I remembered from a year before. (and from all these dreams that followed) Wow. Talk about a déjà-vu!

That first day was crazy! I couldn't stop blushing and giggling and nothing that came out of my mouth made any sense. I tried to be cool, but I was starstruck! I tried to cheer myself on: "C'mon Vic, think of something funny to say," but I couldn't think of anything except "Is this really happening or am I waking up any minute now?" But it wasn't a dream, so I kept blushing and giggling like an idiot.

He ended up staying with me for a few weeks! At first it was so awkward. I still couldn't believe that this was that same guy I had a crush on 13 years ago when I first saw him on TV. That same guy I had my Tom Hanks Moment with a year ago in Spain. That same guy I had endless phone conversations with for the last few weeks...

That same guy was now walking around my house naked.

That same guy was now taking a dump on my toilet with the door open.

(I know; weird, right?!)

But a romance had blossomed and I guess a few boundaries were gone (well, for him, anyway).
(But in all fairness; if I had a body like that, I'd have no problem walking around naked either! All day every day! My God... sigh...)

But it was still weird for me... So unreal. Sometimes I'd lay awake next to him. Just to watch him sleep. And I'd pinch myself to see if this was still really happening. If this was really that same guy right there next to me. In my bed. And yup, it was! Crazy, right?

But I loved having him over to take care of him. I cooked him his favorite food, made sure he had everything he needed. Yes, everything. I'm not playing. I go all out for somebody I care about.

And it was great. At first. Until he got back into that spoiled athlete mode and started to take me for granted. I guess it was my fault too. Because I spoiled him, too.

On one of our previous phone conversations I had asked him if there was anything that I could wake him up for in the middle of the night. And he had answered; "Pancakes! I love pancakes!" So guess what crazy Vicky did? I fixed him pancakes in the middle of the night and woke him up. The smile on his face was priceless. "And it's not even my birthday," he said.
Right then I told him: "You know I'm too good for you, right?" "Yeah, I know," he said and smiled like it was a joke. But I was dead serious when I said it.

He was spoiled. And I guess a guy like that had been spoiled his whole life, by the team, the coach, the club, hotels, managers, even by groupies... I can't even blame him...

I had dated athletes before, and it's hard to not be somebody's first passion. There's always that talent; the job; his sport, that is at the top of his priorities. It would never be me. And I didn't mind so much playing second fiddle, but I did want that appreciation that I thought I deserved. Taking him into my home and catering on him all these weeks. But I didn't get any of that.

Dude was a freakin millionaire, but I never even got flowers, or a simple thank you.

I guess it was a blessing that after a few weeks he got a new club to play for and his house in the city was all done, so he left my place and moved there. He came back a few times to hang out with me (and get his laundry) (Did I tell you I was too good for him?), but after a while I didn't try as hard to please him anymore. I learned my lesson.

One time he needed me again, but by then I was pretty much fed up, so I didn't ask anymore how high I was supposed to jump. He left in a bad mood and hit the pedal of his Lamborghini pretty hard which made a looot of noise when it left my street. I guess Mr. Soccer got upset.

But he still sends me Christmas and Birthday textmessages and stuff like that, and he even called a while ago to see how I was doing, but I haven't seen him since. Except for on TV, and when I accidentally google his name.

So all in all, you could say; my fairytale came true. I got to meet the guy of my dreams... But it turned out he wasn't as dreamy in real life. And there was no "and they lived happily ever after" either. Oh well.

I guess sometimes the dream is better than reality...
Sometimes it's better to just keep on dreaming...
And sometimes...
Sometimes a dream really just is what it is; a dream.

My Tom Hanks Moment...

The next story happened a few years ago, but I have to share it with you, cuz... well... it's pretty cool. Just read!

So... a few years ago, I went to visit my aunt and uncle in Spain. I stayed there for a little bit and then we all flew back to Amsterdam together.
On departure day, I had a Tom Hanks moment... This is the story I wrote:
Remember 'Sleepless In Seattle'??? When Meg Ryan was getting off the plane in Seattle, while Tom was dropping off that other woman... When he laid eyes on Meg for the first time, he was just standing there in amazement... The whole world around him stopped for a moment, no people, no sounds, no nothing... Just her... and something just 'clicked'...

Well, I had that too, that 'click'... With a guy I saw at Malaga Airport in Spain...
I saw him from miles away walking in my direction... Gorgeous black man, nicely dressed, bouncy dreads, good posture... Looking at me... smiling...
I hadn't seen anything that yummy in a LONG time, so my eyes were drawn to him from a distance and they stayed focused until he approached me.
And when he was just a few steps away, I recognized him. He's a Dutch international soccer player, at that time playing for Madrid.

(side note: I'm not at all a big soccer fan, but I remember this guy, cuz his career started at a very young age, and there was a lot of hype around it... He also did an ad for an organization against racism... The posters of him dressed in a white suit were all over Amsterdam at that time, and I remember every time I saw one of these posters, I felt all warm inside. Gorgeous gorgeous man....)

Later on I passed him on my way to the plane, he smiled and said 'hi'... Then on the plane, he passed me again, and again we smiled at each other... I even looked around to see where he was going to be seated, and he looked around, back at me again too...
I knew I was blushing, and I'm sure the whole plane could feel my heartbeat... I remember accidentally saying to myself "God, I'm staring!" out loud, and my uncle asked me: "What was that?" and I was like: "Ehmmm... nothing..."

I spent 2hrs and 45mins thinking of a way to give him my telephone number...
But I was too shy...
I thought I would write my name and number down on a piece of paper and just slip it to him at some point, but I was seated in between my aunt and uncle, and I didn't really have any privacy... I thought if they'd see what I was doing, they'd think I'm an idiot. So I guess I'd rather seem like a sane person to them, (a sane single-for-the-rest-of-my-life person, I should say) than have a shot at... something.

But then again, guys like this are never single, are they? He's probably got a gorgeous trophy wife and a bunch of kids stacked away somewhere...

So anyway, almost 3 hours later, when we got to Amsterdam airport I saw him again at the baggage claim... More glances and smiles... And on my way out, I gave him my prettiest smile and said "bye" in kind of a disappointed tone... and that was it...

And now I feel like such an idiot! Why did I chicken out? I keep thinking about it... I keep thinking about what I could have done... What I should have done... I keep wondering if maybe I imagined the whole thing, or if he was really staring at me too... He really was, wasn't he?
And I haven't been able to let it go... To tell you the truth, I haven't slept in two days! I feel like a lovesick teenager... Or better yet; a damn fool!

Of course you exchange glances with strangers more than once in a life time... But this was more than a glance... There were multiple glances!
And I just kinda felt that "something"... Really! I'm not kidding...

Anyway, since then I found out that he is in fact single... Yeaaa! And I know he's gonna be in Amsterdam for a little while longer playing at some soccer tournament next weekend... (which, of course, I'll be attending...)
So far I've also found out that I know 4 people that have some kind of connection with him or with people that know him, so I put them on the case to get me his number, or give him my number...
I figured; what if he felt the 'click' too... I'm just a normal person (well... normal?)... He doesn't know a thing about me... So what if I've been on his mind too? It's easier for me to track him down, than the other way around... So I gotta try it...

A friend of mine told me I was obsessed with the whole thing and I should just let it go... She said; "If it comes back to you, it's yours..." yeayeayea, I heard that before... (So far, only the shitty ones have come back...)
Another friend of mine told me to stay on the case... He said; "What if next time he's on the plane and some girl's smiling at him that's not too shy to give him her number... You go for yours girl!"

And seriously, sometimes you just gotta help faith a little... Right?

~ End of Part One ~

Part two will be posted in a few days... Stay Tuned!

But in the meantime... Tell me; What would YOU do in a situation like that? Would you have approached the other person? And what would you have said??? Let me know, I'm curious...

In Silence (...as perfect as you...)

My eyes follow you...
as you move across the room...
You look at me...
And notice me...
looking at you...
looking at me...

And I smile...
cuz you're smiling at me...

You have the cutest dimples...
did you know that?

You leave the room...
and look behind you
one more time...

I'm still looking...

You're the type of guy that deserves an audience...

You're amazing...
the way your body moves...
your posture...
your smile...
Where are you going?
Please come back soon!

there you are...
back already...
That wasn't too long...
considering I've waited for you for 30+ years...
but if this is really you...
then you've definitely been worth it...

You're the type of guy that I'd wait another 30+ years for...
Well, maybe not that long...

You're still smiling...
There are those dimples again...
You're so cute.

You sit down next to me...
So here we are...
in silence...
next to each other...

So close...
I could touch you if I wanted to...
I want to...
But I'm shy...
So I just smile...

You use your fingertips
to brush the hair from my face...
You take in every curl...
and you smile in admiration...

You move forward...
and your lips are only inches away from mine...
I want to kiss you so bad...
but I don't wanna rush this...

You're the type of guy that deserves my patience...

So we're just sitting here...
in silence...
And you're staring at me...
I can feel that I'm blushing...
Wondering what you're looking at...

You're moving closer...
Are you gonna kiss me?
all over my body...

You are...
kissing me...

Your lips...
so soft...
on mine...


This is so unreal...
And so nice...
Don't ever take those lips off mine...
Let's just stay like this...

Like Siamese twins...
Joined by the lips...
So I never have to leave you...
And I can stare into those big brown eyes
for the rest of my life...


I can feel your breath on me...
It's warm...
like your tongue...
twirling around mine...
inside my mouth...

You're the type of guy that can make me lose my consciousness...
...in a heartbeat...

I can feel my heart beat...
We're kissing...
We're kissing!
Who would have thought...
that we'd be kissing?

Our lips unlock...
Don't go...
I wasn't done kissing you yet...
Come back!
I have plans for me and you...

You're the type of guy that deserves a future...

You look at me...
and smile...

Still in silence...
Are you thinking things too?
Are you wondering what I look like naked?
Cuz I sure am wondering what you look like naked right now...
I'm blushing again...
Cuz I don't want to think that...

But you're the type of guy that makes me think things I shouldn't be thinking...

I can't help myself...
You just seem so perfect...
and all I can do is hope...
and wish...
and pray...
...in silence...

that I'm the type of girl that deserves a type of guy ...as perfect you.

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.
(I wrote this for my choreographer-crush... He went abroad to tour with some big shot celebs and I haven't seen him in years.)

What Really Happened Between My Thighs...

Many of you have asked the question if my last blog "Between My Thighs" really happened. Yes my friends, it did.
So in case you were wondering... Yes. Somebody has actually been in The Thigh Area this last decade...
But he eventually got kicked out again too.

I'll tell you the story... This is what really happened:

I met D years ago on the internet. We became good friends, but we both never hinted towards anything romantic... I actually turned him down the first few times he asked me out... But when I finally gave in ("Okaaaay I'll go out with you... Just please stop with the begging already..."), it turned out we were quite the match!

We went out on a few dates and I definitely felt an unexplainable 'click' between us...
It was nice! He was nice!
Like me, he had a crazy sense of humor, so we shared a lot of laughs... And I was happy to realize that there were still some "nice guys" left after all, and I was even more blown away when he told me that he had fallen in love with me the moment we met.

I believed him.

What I didn't know back then, is that men don't fall in love at first sight. They're simply not emotional enough...
So ladies, if a guy tells you on the first few dates that he's in love with you, this means that:
a.) he's just buttering you up for sex
b.) he doesn't know what love is (he probably thinks it's a disease you just catch)
c.) he's gay

Three very valid reasons to hightail out of there...

But all of this happened many players ago, so I had no idea he was bullshitting me at the time... Therefore, I plea temporary insanity. Or temporary gullibility... Call it what you want. I just didn't know better (yet).

So I believed him.

But along the way, things didn't quite add up... My female intuition alarm bells were going off, working overtime, in the pit of my stomach, and I started testing him a little bit.

I asked him some of the same questions I had already asked on the first few dates, but his stories were inconsistent. And we all know; lies are harder to remember than the truth... Hmmm... people's exhibit A.

And you should know, I'm not one to chase after a guy... So I let him initiate all contact... But I noticed that he always called me during office hours, or from his car on his way home...
So I tested him some more... And when I would call or send him a text message late at night, his phone would be switched off.
Maybe it's not any hard evidence you'll win a case with in court, but it sure is suspicious...

After a few weeks of dating (and my undercover investigative work), I called him once, during the day, and I got his voicemail for a change... I had never heard the message before, so I was kinda curious what it said.... Imagine my surprise, when it said that "D and Nathalie couldn't come to the phone right now"....

I panicked. I froze. And I hung up to phone...

"...D and Nathalie..."? WHO THE F*CK is Nathalie??!

And of course, not a minute later my phone rang...
It said "D" on my display, so I answered, still kinda in shock, but ready to confront him and get some answers. I said; "Hello?" but in a what-the-f*ck-do-you-want kinda way.

And sure enough.... It wasn't D on the phone calling me back...
It was Nathalie.

"Yes hello, did you just call this number?" she asked.

"Ehm... See... what had happened wassss... ehm... yea... ehmmm.... I did.... But ehm... I don't even know a D, nor a Nathalie, so ehhhh, I musta had the wrong number! Mbye!"
And I hung up.

That was weird.

In hindsight I figured that Nathalie had probably seen my name come up on D's display too, so of course I didn't dial the wrong number... But she was probably as much in shock as I was, and couldn't get a word in between my rambling...

So that was it. All the proof I needed. The fairytale was over.
Now I know I can always rely on my gut feeling!
And more proof also... that it IS really hard to find a "nice guy" nowadays...

But me and D were over.
No more Between-My-Thighs-Exploring for him!

I never told him I found out... I figure; why crush the one thing a man cares about?
(And in case you're wondering; I'm not talking about his HEART, I'm talking about his EGO!)

I just told him he wasn't right for me. Which is true, cuz I don't do liars...
He never asked me any questions, so he probably knew that that was secret code for: "I am on to you, you lying summavab*tch!"

And I let Nathalie handle the rest...

So here are a couple of tips for all the players out there:
1. Never underestimate the power of female intuition. It is a force that is greater than you.
2. If you're gonna lie, make sure you remember what you lied about, you moron!
But let me tell you now: It may not be today or tomorrow, or next week or next month, but a lie ALWAYS comes out.

And here's a tip for all the players trying to play me:
1. Don't let the blond locks fool you! If you're underestimating my intelligence, you're insulting me.
I have yet to meet a man that can outsmart me in the player department.
What can I say? Nothing gets passed Miss Vicstar.

It's too bad though, cuz D was really special to me there for a minute...
I really liked him and we could have been friends, if he hadn't lied to me... But I don't want friends that lie. That's just disrespectful. And I'm allergic to disrespect. That, and bullshit.

So I never talked to him again.

But the flowers he sent me the next Valentine's Day were a nice touch, though.

They really brightened up my trashcan.


Between My Thighs

Do you remember the day we met?
What we talked about, and all the fun we had?

Everything you said made me blush and smile
and I swear when you kissed me I lost conciousness for a while...

Do you remember how you got lost in my eyes?
And how I found you again... between my thighs?

I remember every spot you kissed, every minute, every second...
And I don't wanna brag on here, but what we did our first time together... was definitely a record...

And God, do I remember you made me feel like no man had ever done...
Like I was made for you and you were made for me... Like I was the only one...

I'm not.

And forgive me,
But honestly;

I just wanna scream at you and bang your head into a wall...
For making me blush, smile, loose my conciousness, and above all for making me fall...

And I really really wanna hate you now...
But I can't hate someone that I still feel somehow...

We both got in eachothers hearts, you felt it too, I knew it
But a man only gets one chance with me, and I'm sorry to say; you blew it.

The good thing about it, even though I don't know when...
One day I'll meet a better man and quite possibly, I'll fall again.

And the bad thing about it, the reality is that...
One day you'll bang your head into that wall yourself, when you realise what you could have had.

You'll remember that night, you'll blush, you'll smile, and I know that you will miss it...
But don't you worry about me babe; I'm pretty sure that better man will know just as well where to kiss it......

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.

If You Were My Man

Would you move heaven and earth to try to be mine
Would you make me giggle and laugh all of the time
Would you lift me up and twirl me around
Would you kiss my forehead when you put me back down

Would you take me to dinner, a movie, a club
Would you spoil me with kisses and a backrub
Would you open up doors and pull up my chair
Would you compliment me on how I'm wearing my hair

Would you fix me a meal and then feed it to me
Would you be all of the things that you tell me you'll be
Would you sing me a song when we're in the shower
Wash my hair and stay there for at least an hour

Would you bubble my bath and pour me champagne
Would you hold the umbrella when we walk through the rain
Would you hear my voice trembling when I feel sad
Would you surprise me on Sundays with breakfast in bed

Would you not try to blame me when you slip a fart
Would you be really careful when I give you my heart
Would you write me letters, emails, cards 'just because'
Would you not sweat it so much when I'm making a fuss

Would you always be honest and never lie
Even when it's not easy, would you at least try
Would you call me sometimes just to hear my voice
Make me feel special; your number one choice

Would you still smell my perfume when I'm miles away
Would you be longing to kiss me every second of the day
Would you watch b-ball with me and root for my team
Would you shut up for an hour so I can watch Crime Scene

When I'm sick would you make soup and nurse me back to health
Would you have dinner with mom and not embarrass yourself
When you hang with your boys and you come home to me
Would you tell me there's no place that you'd rather be

When it's that time of the month, will you cut me some slack
Let me yell at you for a little while till I take it all back
If I had a bad day would you hold me real tight
Kiss to make it all better and tell me things be all right

Would you buy me flowers sometimes and remember our song
Would you tell me you're sorry and admit when you're wrong
Would you not walk away in the middle of a fight
Would we have make up sex afterwards all through the night

Would you make love to me daily, and at least twice
Would your passion and intensity water my eyes
Would you tell me you love me every day of the week
Would you be my homie, my best friend, my lover, my freak

Would you never keep me guessing, or wondering why
Would you assure me you love me till the day that I die
Would you give me some children after you make me your wife
Would you share your visions, your dreams, your hopes, your whole life

And if I'm asking too much here, would you let me know
So I can adjust what I wish for, without letting you go

All I want is for you to love me best as you can
Cuz I would do exactly the same... if you were my man

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.

Love Makes No Sense

I've been lied to
Yelled at
Pushed around
Called "fat"

Cheated on
Slapped in the face
and used

My heart got broken
even crushed
They ignored my love
Betrayed my trust

And where do these guys even find the nerve
To make me go through this pain that I don't deserve

But despite the heartaches, the tears, and all mentioned above
I must be a damn fool, but I still believe in love...

This is another awesome Vicstar Original. All rights reserved.